Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
