A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
