He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
