Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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