my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is classic penis vs brain.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
