I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
