you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
