If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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