the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
