I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
