my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize