i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im holly from the hills drunk
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
