you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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