Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
