were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
that may or may not have been my penis.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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