Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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