I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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