Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
