The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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