Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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