Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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