I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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