I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
