Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
