Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
