I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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