God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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