If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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