U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
