I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
