so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
