do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
