Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
