do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday