i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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