She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
