I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
