I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
