ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
