Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
