Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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