You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
