Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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