my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
