When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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