I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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