my sisters under your porch take her home
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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