chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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