ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
