About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
