The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
