the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
