"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
