just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
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