I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
