this boner is exhausting
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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