The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
