I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
