After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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